Unveiling of my new book

Hey people, look!  I wrote a book!

You see that cover?  I designed that cover myself.  In MS paint, like a boss.  Using a free typefont from the internet called Press Start 2P.  It's really cool.  

So the cover was inspired by the "press start" screens of old 8-bit video game consoles, obviously.  Like this one.  

And this one.  

Isn't it cool?  I'm a writer now!  A real novelist!  Ha!  Do you see where it says "a novel?"  I have no idea why that is always there, but it's true!  It's cool!  Books! 

I haven't published it yet (on kindle, duh) because I want to make sure it's as professional as possible.  I want to start an ad campaign.  I want to promote it seriously.  I want people to read it because I think it's cool.  And I wrote it.  And I want to affect people.  

Affect?  Effect?  Both?

According to this image I found on google,

Both.  I'm going to take both.  

And get a green pill.

But that's beside the point.  The point is, I wrote a book!  Actually, it's my fourth.  But It's a book!  My fourth book in like, four months.  I type fast.  

Ultimate powers, engage!  

That's actually Andrew Hussie.  Author of homestuck.  In case you didn't know.  

And if you didn't, go read homestuck.  It's great.  It's about homes.  And stuck.  And intergalactic xenoromantic drama.  

So, what should you do?

Well, you should get my book on kindle, of course!  Once it's published.  You can get it then.  Maybe you'll see one of my ads.  'Cuz I am gonna get seribra.  

Serious, bra.  

I sold out

So I'm a writer.  Bet you didn't know that.  I write books.  Lots of them.  I've finished three manuscripts since I started writing a year ago (all in the past three months, with lots of

to keep me in tip-top shape).

So one of my manuscripts is actually pretty good.  It's about a boy on an adventure through a post-sci-fi world.  Sound's pretty interesting, right?  Well it is.  I can assure you.

But in order to get your book published, you have to get an agent.  And in order to get an agent, you have to sit for months at the bottom of an email slush pile.

And even then, the agent's mood, disposition, and recency of their last caffeine shot will determine whether they like your Query or not.  And don't even think about submitting straight to a publisher anymore.

So why is it like this?  Why can't I even get someone to look at my stuff, let alone reject it?  Well, because one thing:

 Microsoft word.  I mean, what it represents.  An entire generation growing up with an insane amount of access to writing tools, not to mention the written-word bonanza that is the internet and texting.  I don't think modern publishing methods are built to handle the sheer volume of writing that comes from a world full of literate people with at least marginal writing skills.

In other words, there's a big crowd.

    300 million of them, in america, maybe 100 million more English native speakers around the world.   That's a lot of people.  If they have a computer, they can write.  And who doesn't have a computer, nowadays?  So, that's a lot of writers.  Most of them, like throughout history, are slush.  But of course they get stacked on the slush pile of any agent or publisher brave enough to advertise online.

And my manuscript is one of them.

So, what did I do?

I sold out.

That's right, I did the thing that will forever brand me as a hopeless egotist, which I will put on the record now that I most definitely am in the most amazing and wondrous sense of the word, so get down on your knees before the most profound and engaging writer ever to have come into existence on this puny earth, plebeian.

Self Publishing has got a stigma attached to it, for good reason, I think.  But when you send your manuscript to several agents, and don't even hear back from any of them after two to three weeks, self publishing looks like the only place one can ever go.  Of course magazines are always an option, but what if I don't want to write short stories?  What if I want to write involved novels instead?  Would it be the same brand of selling out if I wrote a short story just to break into the magazine world?

I don't know.  So I'm just going to shamelessly self-promote my book, which is amazing in every sense of the word, and fun, and all those other positive adjectives.  It has its flaws, but I'm not going to tell them to you.  Find them for yourself.  

  Just look at that beautiful cover.  Designed by this guy right here *points at self* and the color scheme has to to with what's in the book.  Isn't that deep?  Just look at it.  Now buy it.  Only 2.99.  You won'r regret it.  Show it to your friends.  Get them to buy it.  I want to be famous.  Make me famous.  Do it now and I'll give you cookies, the real kind.  I mean, I'll think about giving you cookies, since I don't actually know where you are.  Wait, don't tell me.  It's not worth cookies to tell me where you live, I promise you.  Unless you really like cookies.  Then go ahead.  But don't tell me I didn't warn you.  

Buy it.
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Trip-Zeppy-Cheng-ebook/dp/B00VZANARE/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1428858166&sr=8-13&keywords=power+trip

Scott Westerfeld's "The Leviathan" trilogy review

I started reading this series because I wanted a good steampunk story.  I finished it because I wanted to see the characters die.  They didn't.

So a girl named Dylan wants to become a sky sailor classic Mulan style.  So she changes her name to Deryn.  Or maybe it was the other way around.  I'm not sure.  She likes to say the word "barking" instead of "fucking" and maybe it's okay because the kids don't know.  But I know so why the hell do these people talk about dogs when they should be talking about sex the cuss word should have been "Squirting" or "Orgaming" or something along those lines.  See, the kids still don't know.  You can stop making me cringe now.

So her chest is so small that she can pose as a sailor in close quarters with a hundred other sailors who are all men and not get found out.  For several months.  I think she's past puberty.  Maybe she's not and she just has a really deep voice.  That would explain a lot of things.  Maybe she's one of those girls who were supposed to be boys but weren't.  But then Allen would be in some trouble.  Or Alek.  I think his name was Alek, actually.  He's the other protagonist.  The hero.  I think.  He's kind of moody.  Just like all teenage heroes.  Nothing strange here, move along.

You see, there are so many cool ways that these two people could have died.

Death by airship

Death by walking tank

Death by Kraken.  Barking Kraken, for Bark's sake, you mother barker.  

See?  Wouldn't it be cool if one of the bland characters were to die by barking kraken, barking style?  Or, maybe not, if that's not their orientation.  It would make them so much more cool.  Likable. 

 "See, here's a guy who knows how to get himself killed.  Tentacled by a giant bio-engineered kraken.  Shot by a walking tank.  Dropped from the butt of a giant flying whale-ship thingie."

That's what I would have thought.  

So here's my verdict: 4 barking barks out of 5, would bark again while characters eat giant squid tentacle.  In my head.  Otherwise, the story was fine.  They kissed and the story ended.  Finally.  After three barking books.

Ha.  

Alliteration.

Why Star Wars Fanfiction is so Good

I recently read a book called Darth Bane, some subtitle or other, and I loved it, and I hated it.  I loved the fact that the book used locations and events from one of my favorite video games, Knights of the Old Republic.

This game is amazing, both for its game play and its narrative depth.  There are a lot of beautiful set pieces, both from the original Star Wars universe and created for the game.  There is also a lot of amazing lore.

To tell you the truth, the Darth Bane book had such terrible writing that I wondered how the story managed to be so good.  It's a good story.  I later learned that the author retold a story originally published by Dark Horse Comics.  Because of this I stayed away from the rest of the books.  I had heard that the author used his own original content.  I didn't want to see it.

Then, why was it so good?  Why did I stay up late into the night reading it?






One thing: set-pieces.  I've seen a cantina.  I've been on the world of mannan.  I know what a selkath looks like, what it sounds like, what they like to do for fun.  I know what a tuta'ka is.  I've traveled through the valley of the dark lords on Korriban, the sith academy there.  I've seen Banthas and blasters and thermal detonators.

So when, out of nowhere, I read: the twi'lek ran through the korriban desert with his double-bladed lightsaber drawn--without description--I see

So, all the heavy lifting has already been done.  I know what it all looks like.  I can conjure it in my head better than any words could ever describe.  And that's why, despite the terrible writing style, I still read that Star Wars Fan Fiction, and loved it.  And that's why I hated it.