One-way ticket to heaven

So I was walking around campus today and all of the sudden I hear a girl say to another random girl--

"I'm putting together an all girl's D&D campaign."

I almost trip.  The guy I'm walking next to looks at me kind of funny.  My mouth is ajar.  I lost the lid when I heard "all girls," and "D&D campaign" in the same sentence.  I mean, just think about that.  For a moment.

This

is what a D&D campaign should look like.  At most one girl.  Two is pushing strange.  Three is just outright impossible.

But an all girl's campaign?  Holy Jesus!

Grab the wig!  Call up my buddy Sherlock!  Put some mascara on my lips and powder on my wig!  Out the door to buy a dress!

I want to be a part of this! 

But wait.  I need a better plan.  My abs are too stiff for a girl.  My pecs are too square to pass as round.  My neck is too thick--

--you get the point.  So what am I going to do?

Option one:

Get fat!  This guy did it!  I can too, right?  I just have to find somewhere to get one of those fat suits.  Ebay?  The thrift shop?  

All right.  This will work.  I just have to hope that the girls don't notice my square jaw or my biceps bulging through the fabric.  

But, is there a better option?  I mean, that suit looks heavy.  And besides, I really don't want to get pinned as 'that fat girl' in a room that will be full of hot chicks.  Right?  Hot chicks, right?  Cuz, you know, they're girls, and they play dungeons and dragons, so they have to be hot.  

So what else can I do?

Option two: 

Join the club.  If you can't beat'em, you join e'm, said lots of people during wartime.  And who am I kidding, this is war!

So, I did a little bit of research.  With medical treatment--not secondarily surgery--I can get my gender legally changed in California, Vermont, Washington, Oregon, and DC.  Too bad I live in Louisiana.

Option 3:

Unashamed compromise!

If I wear something totes cra cra, they'll have to recognize my initiative and let me in.  I mean, it will be embarrassing to get there, but who am I kidding, the ends justify the means here.  They can't say no to fashion, nu-uh.  I'll get my princess voice all warmed up before hand, and I'll check out my nails every five seconds so they'll never have a chance to protest.

I'm kind of worried, though, because I won't be able to stay in character twice.  I mean, in D&D, the adventure takes precedence, no matter what.  So, if I get a gruff dwarf berserk-er with a chaotic evil alignment, there's no way I'll be able to act him out to the stringent specifications required by the D&D gods.  And, since I'll be in heaven, I don't want to get on their bad side anyways.  

So what else is there?

Option 4: 

Admit defeat.  After thinking about it, this option is starting to get better and better.  I mean, who am I kidding?  Heaven's no place for a lonely adventurer.  I don't even have the alignment for it.  True neutral, all the way here.  There ain't no gods in my sphere that would allow that sort of unabashed skulduggery to go unchecked.  It's too pure.

But, I can't.  I can't give up.  I have to keep pushing, it's what an adventure would do.  I'll level up.  I'l grind monsters.  I'll come up with epic back stories.  I'll be a good player.  I'll even bring my own character sheets.  I'll work my ass off to be the best adventurer there is.  

Option 5:

Just ask.  They're people too, those girls playing D&D.  I mean, they may not want to let a guy in at first, but if I make a strong enough case, I'm sure that they'll be lenient.  

Unless they're rabid feminists or something.  

In which case, I'd rather stay away from them.  

Why Star Wars Fanfiction is so Good

I recently read a book called Darth Bane, some subtitle or other, and I loved it, and I hated it.  I loved the fact that the book used locations and events from one of my favorite video games, Knights of the Old Republic.

This game is amazing, both for its game play and its narrative depth.  There are a lot of beautiful set pieces, both from the original Star Wars universe and created for the game.  There is also a lot of amazing lore.

To tell you the truth, the Darth Bane book had such terrible writing that I wondered how the story managed to be so good.  It's a good story.  I later learned that the author retold a story originally published by Dark Horse Comics.  Because of this I stayed away from the rest of the books.  I had heard that the author used his own original content.  I didn't want to see it.

Then, why was it so good?  Why did I stay up late into the night reading it?






One thing: set-pieces.  I've seen a cantina.  I've been on the world of mannan.  I know what a selkath looks like, what it sounds like, what they like to do for fun.  I know what a tuta'ka is.  I've traveled through the valley of the dark lords on Korriban, the sith academy there.  I've seen Banthas and blasters and thermal detonators.

So when, out of nowhere, I read: the twi'lek ran through the korriban desert with his double-bladed lightsaber drawn--without description--I see

So, all the heavy lifting has already been done.  I know what it all looks like.  I can conjure it in my head better than any words could ever describe.  And that's why, despite the terrible writing style, I still read that Star Wars Fan Fiction, and loved it.  And that's why I hated it.