My thing. Someone touched it. Not that thing, this thing. The thing you're reading. Someone touched it.
Now, I know you all can say all sorts of things about the nature of touching. But there is only one thing that I do know. Pancakes are awesome. Don't touch my pancakes.
Seriously. Don't touch them. Even though I hate them, don't you dare touch them, for anything, anyhow. Don't you dare. I'm looking at you. Yeah you. You with the hair. I don't like you. What are you doing to this country? I'm being serious right now. What are you doing? What are you reading? Why do you exist?
Let's consider that. Why do you exist? I can think of two reasons why you exist.
One: to screw with my head. I can't believe that other people are really there. I just can't. I can't see inside of their heads, so how do I know they're real? How do I know that I'm not the only conscious one in the whole world? How do I know that people in other countries even exist? Well, I know people in China exist, because they make the things that I use everyday, like my toilet plunger, and my pill box, and my vacuum. So there's that. Head has been officially unscrewed. By Chinese people.
Two: just because. Because whatever crazy intelligence or non-intelligence created the world just happened to have a sense of humor and put all these annoying people in here with me, so annoying that I can't even get a girlfriend, why me, why can't I get a girlfriend, people are stupid. People really are very stupid. How come?
This guy knows. Why don't you ask him?
Speaking of asking him, have you ever wanted to ask god a question? I have. It's this. Why did you make poop brown? Seriously. Why is poop brown, instead of red, or orange, or blue? Why did you put that special blend of chemicals together to make it brown and smell bad, instead of blueberry smell bad, or raspberry smell bad? What is up with that?
Moving on, I have a proposition for you. Why don't you go outside, stand on your head, and count to ten? Why don't you? Go do it. Now. Your pet duck Frodo commands you to get outside and stand on your head.
Why can't I get a girlfriend? Why? What is wrong with me? No, it's nothing wrong with me. I'm the most sexy person alive. It has to be everybody else. Everybody else has it in for me. Holy shit. That's so true. They have it in for me. Excuse me while I go strip off my pants and run into the street. I hope you had a fun time hanging out with this guy right here. Goodbye. Forever. No, really. It's goodbye now.
