I'm a dingo, hello. A dingus. That's me, the writer. I talk about anything a dingus would talk about, and nothing a dingo would talk about. Because dingoes don't talk. I also write. Did I mention that, I think I did.
So. I guess I'll just start with a short story.
Dingus popped his head out of his hole. He was in Africa. He was a dingo that had been moved to Africa because it's a country. A toothpaste company had promised to send .1 dingoes to Africa to make little children happy for each time a kid filmed himself brushing his or her teeth. So far there had been seventeen. And a half, point five dingoes. That had been messy.
Dingus hated the videos. They made him want to barf. So bad that he wanted to brush his teeth afterwards with the toothpaste made by the company just so he could smear it all over his dingo barf teeth. He hadn't actually gotten around to doing it because he didn't have hands. Just paws.
"Hello, Dingus."
Dingette wriggled out of the hole beside Dingus. You know, I'm not exactly sure if dingoes live in holes. But no matter. These dingoes live in holes. Dingette was pretty. Also beautiful. And sexy, and hot, with a big fat wet nose that was also really attractive. Also, she was attracted to Dingus in every way imaginable. Because Dingus was a cool dingo. He was a protago--awesome at his job, which was to build fences. Because the toothpaste company said that fences were what would make Africa unpoor again. Because fences, and dingoes.
So there Dingus was, half out of his hole, staring at this really pretty Dingette. He got an idea.
"Dingette, do you want to learn how to fly?"
Dingette smiled. She flashed her pretty teeth and her luscious eyes and titillating ear cartilage. Because Dingoes communicate with tier ears and all. "Sure, Dingus," she said. "I'd like to fly, with you." Hint hint, wink wink.
Dingus ignored her. "Cool! Lets go build a jet plane!"
"Alright!" said Dingette.
Several days and raided military establishments later, Dingus stood at the controls of his jet plane that he had built out of destroyed jet planes. Dingette sat in the back seat. She faced the tail. Her paws gripped the copilot's yoke.
Luckily, Dingus had received a pilots education during his stint in the Australian bush forces as a kanine escort. He was an ace pilot, too. A really good one, which is another reason why Dingette was totally in love with him. Because he was cool and all, and a prota--prototype superweapon developed by the African military and planted in Australia to go underground with the toothpaste company and expose--you know what, never mind. Dingus was a cyborg robot with superpowers, there.
The plane took off of the dirt runway with a shriek.
"Oh no!" said Dingette with a voice full of panic which showed that she didn't know how to fly a plane and was also scared. "The elfgdtians are here, in their jets which they purchased from the Iraqi government, and want to take their revenge again all of dingokind!"
Dingus slammed down on the accelerator. "Well, they've just met their match. Doom. Does doom sound better to you?"
Glass shattered. Guns blasted. "Ahh!"
"Oh kupickus!" Dingus looked behind himself. "Fathering gunwallies! Dinglut!"
Dingette lay in a pool of her own blood in the back seat. The wind screeched from outside. "I never knew you to have such a sailor's mouth. That's ..." Her eyes finished the sentence for her. "Sexy."
Dingus gave a roguish smile. "Hang with me, babe. We're going to get out of this, on my left fore-paw."
Dingette gasped. "You promise?"
Dingus ginned masculinely. His canine teeth showed. Among the rest of his teeth that were also canine, though in a difference sense. "Babe, I promise."
Dingette died. Dingus slammed his paw against his targeting scope. "Nooooooooo!"
The eflssdfas--ahh, not worth it--ians fired off a million missiles. And then like twenty billion cannons. But Dingus was so mad that he created a force field around his jet and none of them hurt him.
"Go to britheftrion!"
He powered up his anger and shot it in pure bolts through the cannons of his fighter. The eflssdfiananannaians all died in a big explosion which ripped apart the fabric of space-time.
Dingus looked over to Dingette's body. He cried.
Because he was a super-cyborg his tears had healing nanobots in them that were able to revive Dingette. But Dingus didn't know this, which made it really dramatic and surprising. I mean, it would have if every other dead lady hadn't already been revived like this. In fact, Dingus made a pretty safe bet, crying over the body of his waifu.
The end. They lived happily ever after and had lots of dingo babies.
