What the hell is a siphonophore?

So I saw on facebook one of those random clicky thingies that I didn't subscribe to but keeps popping into my feed about a crazy piece of trash looking animal thingiemabob that lives at the bottom of the ocean which was captured by some dudes and I think a girl from a remote water exploration robot.

There's a gif of it too.

So.  I'm curious.  What's a siphonophore?  Can I eat one?  Can I have one as a pet?  Can I put one down a random person's shirt?  Can I smuggle one across national borders under a brown leather overcoat while wearing black sunglasses--two of them?

Let's find out.  Question one: What's a siphonophore?

According to Wikipedia, Siphonophorea are a classification of marine animals, like this baby right here,

the Portuguese Man O'War, that are colonies of gelatinous marine animals connected in streams to a floater body.  So this monster isn't one animal.  It's thousands.  That's pretty cool.  Just imagine this

 packed into this

Which is the Praya Dubia, the longest animal in the world, clocking in at a whopping 130 feet.  For reference, kids, that's

or 

That's pretty damn long.  And pretty damn cool.  So, next question: can I have one as a pet?  For simplicity's cake, I'll assume I want a man o'war as a pet, not a praya dubia.  No, scratch that.  I want a praya dubia in my swimming pool.  That way I can hang James Bond over it while I go to the store and get Ice Cream to come back and watch him die.  Later.  After I get Ice cream.  While he surely won't escape.  Because I have a praya dubia!

So: first off.  How venomous is a praya dubia?

Deadly enough to kill, says wikipedia.  What, my buddy the peds doesn't say.  Too bad.  I wanted to know if I could kill a fat guy, or if I would have to put them on a diet first before the poison would be enough to make them go bye bye.  Hey, that rhymed.  I'm so awesome.  

But, it seems that the praya dubia explodes at air pressure, and in shallow water.  So, I'd have to get a pressurized tank to hold one.  And then I wouldn't be able to dunk innocent people that charged me too much for hamburgers inside.  And that's unacceptable.  

So, no pets.  What, you're saying the city doesn't allow them anyways?  Well, who do you think you're talking to?  I don't live in this city, I am the city MWAHAHA

Ok that was kind of a lame joke.  

Next question!  Can I slide one down my buddie's spine?  

The answer--yes!  All I gotta do is take this

And do this

To produce--

I was going to show the actual effects, and then I saw what came up on Google.  So, no.  Here, google its yourself.  Go lose your lunch if that's your thing.

The answer, then, to this question?  

A resounding yes.  

Next!  Can I smuggle one across international borders?  With a really thick, really, really, really big overcoat?

Sadly, I couldn't come up with any laws against smuggling Siphonophorea.  Maybe it's because I typed, like, two search terms into Google.  

But that's not the point.  I can make some laws.  I can do it if I want to.  

I'll be all like, 

you wanna see somethin' cool?  And then I'll lift up that bulge in my jacket to reveal--

only the longest animal in existence, the praya dubia.  What, were you expecting something different?

The red oh god the red

Every other day, after Calculus class, I have to calculate

And enter it into a taskbar like this

And it's horrible.  Hell.  The worst experience imaginable by the student of higher math.  Because, in this devious program, known as WebWork, there something so terrible, so horrible, so absolutely terrifying that nightmares are the best thing about them, there is something called--

THE RED BAR OF DOOM.

When you're typing in those equations that look like

And then you get

and you get

and again

Oh, you forgot to remember that the integral of sin(x) is NEGATIVE cos(x)?

Oh, you forgot to remember that that made you FRACTIONS negative?

Oh, wait, you forgot that you ALREADY did that?

Restart the problem.  Calculate it all over again, and you get--

GAH *mash, mash, MASH*

*pant*

GAHHHH!!!

So I do the problem one more time.  Promising to hide myself in a corner when I'm done.  Because I can't.  I can't even.  I can't even.  I do it all again, for the third time, and--

 Blesssed, blessed, sweet mother of god, let me see that again.

HA! HA!  TAKE THAT, CALCULUS!  I WILL SUCK OUT YOUR SUPERPOWERS AND USE THEM FOR MYSELF!  HA!  HA!  I AM AN EVIL MASTERMINd--

HACK HACK cough cough *wheeze* ... 

Anyways.  The green.  The green is good.  The red is bad.  

I am an evil mastermind.  

I think I'm going to go cry in a corner now.  

See you next time.  When I'm done crying.

Gif Storm (ramble #3)

A GIF, unlike a photo, tells a short story.  They're sweet, they're direct,

And they can be hella classy.  Here's a bunch of GIFs strung together.  See if you can find the story.  (hint: there isn't one.)

This guy? His name's NoStroy.  He's the beatiest beatnik in a country full of beat down beaters.  Beat it.  Just look at that sweet pokemon cap, those Dave Strider--

No, wait it's dirk isn't it--

Yea.  It's Dirk.  Dirk is cool, man.  Man!

I don't know what this is.  Please don't ask me what this is.  I think I'm going to have nightmares about it.  Gum will never be the same to me.  I don't even, I can't, I

I can't.  I just can't.  I can't even. 

That's all, folks.  If you'd like me to illustrate a story with GIFs, just tell me.  Otherwise, I'll go cry in a corner and hide from the gumball monster.  

He's going to eat me.  No, no, go away, gO AWAY GOAAAAA--'

Mwahahaha I am an author and I shall rule the world

So, my book on kindle has sold 15 copies, minus the pity buys from my mother and my uncle and the one I got for myself.  And, almost all of them were free.

But that doesn't matter.  BECAUSE I SHALL RULE THE WORLD MWAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Haha.  Whoo.  Ha  Ha.  

Ha.  

So, I know you're wondering: "Oh overlord to be, how will you conquer the world?  Surely you have a plan?" 

Oh, you bet I do.  It's time to start monolouging!  

I have a plan.  An evil plan.  A plan so genius, that I have to spill it to you.  Otherwise, no one will know that I have committed the perfect crime.  The plan?  PLAN Z!

That's right, PLAN Z!  When everyone has got a copy of my kindle book, FOR FREE, I will press this button on my desk,

AND THEN EVERYONE WILL BECOME MY SLAVE!  

And I will get to steal the krabby patty formula!  Because kindle!  And free!  YEA!

Now, all I have to do is get people to download my book ...

Hello?  Hello, is anyone there?

Hello?  I have a delicious, free bucket of chum I mean book, for FREE!

It's depressing how excited I am about this.  The green is the free downloads.  Look at me.  I'm an author oh god I think I'm going to go cry in a corner now.  Maybe I'll hire a hit-man named Dennis to take down that damned yellow sponge and end his shenanigans ... 

Ahh, who am I kidding.  I'll just write another book.  

And then I'll rule the world.