So I've been looking through my old blog posts.

And, I've found, it's no wonder that I can't read them.  They're practically unreadable--the tone, the style, the short sentences that make it sound like I'm on crack.  Maybe I was on crack at the time; who knows?  (I'm just kidding.  Seriously.  I don't do crack.)  The point remains that for some reason all of the posts on this blog, barring one or two, are in a form that is mind-bogglingly hard to read--mostly because of a couple of things.

Thing number one: Short sentences.  I liked to use very short sentences in my writing not too long ago, for reasons that I don't understand myself at this moment--not that it really matters much--although I have spent a little bit of time thinking about it.  Maybe I thought that short sentences would have a bigger impact on the reader; maybe I thought that keeping them simple would make it easier to read.  I'm pretty sure that I was wrong in this regard.  Because, god damn, my old blog posts are hard to read.  How did I even write like that?  Have you ever felt that way about something that you have done?  It's a really unpleasant feeling.

Number two: my ideas are all over the place.  I jump from one subject to the next in the span of several short words, and the effect is like reading the transcript of a conversation of a kid with severe ADHD.  I don't know how I got there; I don't know how it happened; I'm pretty sure that whatever ADHD I have is mild.  Or maybe it isn't.  Who knows; I've never been diagnosed--I've never asked anyone to check me out.

I mean, wow, I really hate how my old blog post writing feels.  It feels terrible.  I have no idea why I used to write like that.  (Although, reading back on what I've written so far, it seems like my writing style echoes what it was just a couple of months ago, albeit a little bit more mature.)  Maybe I can get it to be something--like a calling card, or whatever you call someone's signature style.  Maybe if I work hard enough at improving my writing style my blog will be fun to read because of this--precisely because of this.  Or, maybe, I can make my stuff into videos where I read aloud what I've written in a hyperactive voice while pictures and film and stuff moves across the screen.  What do you think?  Though, I'm pretty sure that there isn't really a "you" out there so much as there is a vast wasteland of cyberspace and null feeling where no one cares about me and no one is willing to give me the time of the day--because let's face it, and amateur blogger really isn't something to look at.

Maybe I can get better.  Maybe I can work on my writing style and my subject matter so that when I do write it will be both entertaining and informative.  Maybe I should keep at it; who knows?  I really don't have much support in the way of people who will look at the stuff that I write, though, and that's what's getting me down.  I really want people to read my stuff; but, then again, so does everyone else--who's to decide whose stuff gets read and who gets relegated to the corner of nowhere?

I'm writing this as a kind of "I'm sorry" for the things that I've written so far--I'm sorry that they've been so bad, I'm sorry that I thought they were good, I'm sorry that you had to read them.  Maybe this will make me sound like a self-depreciating idiot--I assure you, I'm not, I'm just facing reality and how things really are.  Maybe I should go back and change the things I

I've written?

Nah, I'll leave them, as a testament to who I've been and who I might become.  So, loyal fanbase of exactly zero, get ready for another try at this game from me, the best blogger who was ever not very good.