What the toast, man?

Or woman?  Or any other of the bazillion gender types that are recognized in California?  What the actual buttered toast?  Look at this.
Just look at it.  No, no, to the right.

There, RIGHT THERE

Who are you?  Who is you?  Who am you?  Are you me?  No, you can't be, because I disabled the counting of my own views. 

I've come up with three possibilities, regarding who you are.  

Number one:  A heartless anti-copyright machine.

Watching me right now so that I don't copy the text of the entire Harry Potter series into this blog and claim it as my own.  

I can do it with some modifications, right?  Right, Hal?  I can--

Number two:  A crazy mind-blowing virus that I accidentally installed when I downloaded my child p--paintings that I drew way back in elementary school and were put up on the school website.  Look, they're right here.  Aren't I a good artist?

Ignore the signature in the corner, that is my pen name.  

So what does this virus want?  Does it want my sanity?  Does it want my money?  Well you can't have my money.  And I don't have any sanity to give, thank you very much.  Unless your concept of sane is different.  In which case, have away, I have plenty and to spare.  You evil, evil teasing virus that makes me think that I am important when I really am important.  I swear, I am.  I'm the secret king of the universe.  

Who only has one view on his blog pages.  I'm a sad secret king of the universe. 

Sitting up in my lonely chair being all sad.  

Number 3: A real, live breathing, living, eating, growing, excreting, breathing, seeing, thinking, excreting, I think I've run out of fingers to count on human.

In which case, hello.  My name is The Writer.  I'm a dingus.  Nice to meet you.  

After we shake hands, be sure to wash yours.  You never know where that guy's hand has been.  He's not me.  He's just a google stock photograph.  He's a human.  I'm a dingus.  The un-classifiable, unknown, totally mysterious lesser cousin of the Australian dingo.  Here's a dingo.  

He's not a dingus.  My really annoying aunt is his mother.  

So now that we've made our introductions, I'd like you to introduce yourself.  Who are you?  What do you want from me?  I'll never let you take me alive!  Mwahahaha. Ha.  

I am a very sad individual.