Sakura Sweet Chapter 7: Illuminati Confirmed

Chapter 7: Illuminati Confirmed

He sat down on a tree. It wasn’t really a tree anymore; it might have been in the past. Now it was more of a bench than anything else—a bench sung out of the wood, probably, or whatever this edition of Tolkien-esque beings did in their free time or whatever; it didn’t really matter. All Johnathan knew was that the moss coveringthe dead tree-thingy that was still alive was very comfortable, cushining his buttocks and giving him a firm hold on his seated position.

The elves had welcomed him. After he explained himself, they had realized something, something which they could not tell him directly, but through which they dropped hints about his purpose and what he was doing in the world.

Damn the elves and whoever made them speak in half-truths all the time. Johnathan knew that if the elves just spoke to each other more honestly their problems would be solved. Or at least that was what he saw—he saw that the elves were way overgeneralized, too many moving parts, too many pieces to put together when dealing with them. They took truth and broke it into tiny little pieces through which they fed him information. It was good information but it was still too slow.

“You got the hang of it?” asked the elf-man-dude who had explained his name to be Alex. Quite a normal name, Johnathan thought. It was all going according to plan. Whoever was in charge, at least. That person wasn’t Johnathan. Johnathan knew nothing. He was still somewhat certain that everything was a hallucination—had he accidentally imbibed some leftover LSD from his days as a hitchhiker? Probably. That or magic mushrooms. Everything was too vivid to be real. Every line was crystal clear. Every hair on every head was visible in its own right. Where was he? Why was he here? These questions continued to go through his head one after the other—and whenever he asked the elves for assistance in answering them, he always got the same response:

“Figure it out for yourself.”

Well, fine, thought Johnathan. I will.

Sakura Sweet Chapter 6: Birthday Soup

Gabriel was her name. Or his name. He didn't know. Johnathan didn't have a phd in differentiating elves from each other. No, that was left to the LOTR fanboys and fangirls. What Johnathan wanted most was an explanation. Why was he here?
And of course the elf whose name wasn't Galadriel spoke before he could finish his thought.
"I wonder why you are here," she said. Johnathan had taken to calling her a she because she looked closer to a she than a he. Maybe she was a-gender. That would be interesting. But--
The elf lady raised her arm. "Take this man to the dungeons. He is not to be given anything but the essentials. We will question him with our full authority tomorrow. He will be our slave until then. You have been given your rights. Anything that you do past this point will reflect upon you given that we have allowed you to undergo the benefit of the doubt. Such is our culture. You may go."
She turned to the elf-man-dude. "What is it that you want of this vagrant?"
The elf-man-dude let out a nasty sigh. "Nothing. I don't know what he was doing there. He probably can't be of much use to us at all," he said. He shrugged his shoulders. "But I will help out of the kindness of my heart. As such is our culture, and what our laws permit upon a human who has trespassed. If you decisive us," he said, "And I will hunt him down like a rabbit. He is nothing to me. Take him away." The elf-man-dude gestured to the other elves in his party.
Two elves grabbed Johnathan and dragged him through the forest until they reached a secluded grove where a television hung on the top of a tree. A big television. Johnathan thought about it for a moment. Why a television? Did the writer of whatever story he was a part of decide to cop out on him? Perhaps he did. But Johnathan didn't care, not at all. He just wanted some peace and quiet while he could enjoy his beautiful, happy, clear thoughts. So clear that they were crystal. Crystal clear. Shumistal clear. He laughed. The trees rose up above him like imposing monoliths, full-bodied, thick with bark nad moss--the perfect forest. He wanted to be here. This was his place.

This was where he belonged.

Top Ramen is a Trap. Chicken soda is cool.

Hello there. I didn't see you. I still can't see you because I have a pair of sunglasses under my sunglasses. I got three more pairs under that. Is it just me, or is it dark in here? It's totally dark in here. But I'm still cool. Because wearing sunglasses in a dark room is cool. Cool times five equals more brownie points if you wear multiple pairs.



Onto what I was going to talk about.

Chicken

Soda. You heard that right.

Chicken

Soda. That's my idea.

You know how they always say, 

And all that? Well, what if we made it into a soda? That would be pretty cool, wouldn't it? 

Or even better, turn 

into 

Which would be pretty nasty, wouldn't it? Or would it? What do you think? Would you like to see a soda that tastes like chicken? Or maybe one that tastes like the broth from

That would be cool wouldn't it? I mean, the broth from this stuff is like heavenly nectar. So full of MSG and preservatives and salt that you can't help loving it. And then you feel guilty afterwards. It's how this stuff works. It's--It's--

It's all a conspiracy! The illuminate are onto us! They want our--they want our brains! BRAINS!

Okay that's it. So what do you think? Should there be a chicken flavored soda?

Sakura Sweet chapter 5 part 1: Ulysses S. Grant

He was alone. Alone in his world with nothing but a bunch of imaginary elves to accompany him. How did he know they were imaginary? He didn’t. Not at the time. He had no way to prove that they were real or unreal. I mean, he saw them. They really existed in his sight.

Not that any of it mattered. They came through a forest pass and came out into a meadow where the flowers were blooming and the bees were buzzing and everything had the smell of sweet clover and honey, the stuff of the bible—bread and honey, clover and honey, quail and honey, honey everywhere. What was it that made the stuff so appealing? The sugar? The taste? The viscosity? No one really knew. Or at least, no one had told Johnathan one way or another. I mean, that’s just the way things were.

So Johnathan and his elf captors walked out of the meadow and into a small little hut hat Jonathan did not notice but when it was right before him. It blended into the trees and hid itself so well that even when Johnathan stepped inside he wasn’t sure whether or not it was constructed. It might not have been. A magical attachment to a tree, perhaps. Not that Johnathan cared about what it looked like on the outside. What he was concerned with was who or what was on the inside.

He did see. It took his eyes a while to adjust. When they did he saw that the hut was sparse. Just a chair, a table, and someone sitting on that chair holding his hands above the table, eating a fried fish with impeccable mannerism, up to and including covering his mouth as he chewed. If he really was a man at all—with elves it was hard to tell gender since they all looked like asexual pointy-eared beings with strange sideways eyes that blinked horizontally. That was creepy. Johnathan still couldn’t get used to it. What were they seeing? Were they seeing the same things he was seeing? Or were they seeing a completely different world from his? He didn’t know. Not that he didn’t care; he just didn’t know anything, or at least not enough to figure out what was what.

The elf man-woman at the table raised his or her head. He or she looked directly into Johnathan’s eyes.

“Welcome to middle earth,” she said, completely straight faced.

And now Johnathan was convinced that she was a girl. She looked exactly like that one elf queen from the movies—she looked just like Galadriel. She was Galadriel.